Pendulation and Why Regulated Doesn’t Mean Calm

When we hear the term "regulated," many of us imagine calm, serene interactions—our children peacefully playing while we radiate Zen-like tranquility. But this picture doesn’t align with how our nervous systems work. In fact, striving for constant calm is not only unrealistic but can also create tension, leaving us feeling "off" when emotions inevitably rise.

Our nervous systems are not designed to remain perpetually calm. They are dynamic, meant to flow between states of activation and rest. This natural ebb and flow, often called pendulation, is essential for our well-being. Let’s explore what pendulation is and why understanding it is crucial for self-regulation and co-regulation in parenting.

What Is Pendulation?

Pendulation is the nervous system's natural rhythm of moving between states of activation (such as heightened energy, stress, or focus) and relaxation. Picture a pendulum swinging back and forth. This movement allows us to feel alive, respond to challenges, and recover.

In a healthy nervous system, we experience activation when needed—perhaps when your child suddenly cries out or you’re running late for school drop-off—and then return to a regulated state once the moment has passed. This regulation isn’t the same as being calm. It’s about feeling safe and balanced, even in the presence of strong emotions or stress.

Regulated Doesn’t Mean Calm

One of the most common misconceptions about regulation is equating it with calm. While calmness can be part of regulation, it’s not the goal. Imagine staying calm while someone repeatedly crosses a boundary—it’s unnatural. Your nervous system should activate in response to discomfort or threat, signaling that something needs attention.

True regulation is about being present with your emotions, whether they’re joy, anger, frustration, or grief. It means you’re not overwhelmed or stuck in any one state but can process and respond appropriately.

For example:

• You might feel frustration bubbling up when your toddler refuses to put on their shoes. A regulated response isn’t pretending you’re not frustrated; it’s acknowledging the emotion and choosing a constructive way to address it.

• Similarly, a child who is regulated doesn’t always appear calm. They might be crying or even yelling, but their system is moving toward relief, especially if they feel supported by a steady adult presence.

When we aim for constant calm, we risk suppressing emotions—both our own and our children’s. This can feel “creepy” or unsettling because it’s out of sync with how humans naturally function.

So, the next time you hear the word “regulated,” remind yourself: it’s not about staying calm; it’s about staying connected and balanced.