Understanding Emotional Regulation in Young Children: A Conscious Parenting Approach
Navigating the whirlwind of young children’s big emotions can feel overwhelming. One moment they’re giggling, and the next, they’re hitting, screaming, or collapsing in a heap of frustration. As parents, our instinct might be to stop the behaviour immediately or suppress the emotion, but conscious parenting teaches us a different path: supporting emotional regulation while holding firm and loving boundaries.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, manage, and respond to emotions in a way that aligns with one’s values and the situation at hand. It starts with being aware of what is being stirred within you—listening to your body and allowing emotions to move through you. Emotions are energy in motion. For young children—and let’s be honest, parents—this skill is still developing.
Children’s brains are wired for emotion, not logic. Their ability to process feelings is limited by the immaturity of their prefrontal cortex. Simply put, they feel intensely but lack the tools to manage those feelings effectively. For many of us, childhood conditioned us to stop listening to our bodies. We were told when and what to eat, to stop crying, or that our feelings were "no big deal." Phrases like "enough of that," "grow up," or "stop being so dramatic" overrode our natural ability to attune to our inner signals. This disconnection from the body’s messages can carry into adulthood. Reconnecting with our physical sensations, a skill called interoception, is essential—but that’s a post for another day.
Emotions vs. Feelings: What’s the Difference?
Understanding the distinction between emotions and feelings is foundational. Emotions are automatic, physiological responses to a stimulus—such as when a child’s body tenses in anger or fear before they even have words to describe what’s happening. Feelings, on the other hand, are the conscious interpretations of those emotions. For example, frustration might translate into the feeling of "this isn’t fair."
Recognizing this distinction helps us see that children don’t hit or scream because they’re bad; they’re simply overwhelmed by emotions they don’t yet have the capacity to process. Naming emotions is the first step to helping them. (I offer free downloadable emotions/feelings wheels for both adults and children to support this practice!)
Why Calm Isn’t Always the Goal
Many parenting approaches emphasize staying calm during a child’s meltdown. While calmness can be a valuable tool, it’s not always the answer. In fact, being calm can sometimes irritate a child, especially if they feel it’s mismatched with their intensity.
Some children need you to meet them where they are emotionally—mirroring their frustration or distress without being patronizing. For example, if they hurt themselves unexpectedly, a groan and a sympathetic expression can show you truly understand their frustration. This matching of emotions demonstrates empathy and helps them feel seen.
Faking calm, on the other hand, can be counterproductive. If you’re a fire inside but present a calm exterior, your nervous system betrays you. Your child senses this mismatch, which can be unsettling. Co-regulation—the process of helping children regulate by regulating yourself—requires authenticity. Your body’s signals must align with your words for your child to feel secure.
